This weekend, I had my 25 year high school class reunion. As we were taking a tour of the high school, one of my friends mentioned that it didn’t even feel like he went to school in that building. It was at such a remove, that it felt more like someone he knew went there and kind of told him about it. It struck me that one of the things I like about the reunion is not just seeing old classmates. In a way, it’s a little like getting to visit yourself as a kid. Partly it’s fun to see the people you used to know and catch up with them. But, partly it’s fun to see people from your childhood because they remember you when you were young, and they trigger your own memories of yourself at that age.
And if we are revisiting our younger selves, one of the conversations we seemed to be having was about how all that social anxiety was misplaced. That seemed to come up a lot. It was a very “Breakfast Club” kind of reunion for me I guess – the nerds, the jocks, the burnouts, the loners, and the beautiful people – we all had our issues. Everyone was trying to figure it out. People who seemed to have it all put together didn’t. Your own failings, which loomed so large in your own head, by and large were often times simply ignored by your peers as they were worrying desperately about their own self-perceived failings. And, on top of that, a number of us ditched the tour and started wandering around the empty high school unattended.
Time and age are perhaps taking their toll on our bodies. (Although, if anyone in high school was banking on the idea that the beautiful people they were jealous of would get old, fat, and ugly any time now; I regret to inform you that a lot of the beautiful people are still beautiful and, what’s more, seem to be healthy, happy, and just generally delightful individuals.) But time and age also seem to have a mellowing effect where I noticed that most of my old classmates are comfortable in their own skins and have mostly learned to embrace themselves unapologetically. Among other things, this made the conversations more interesting. There was the usual “what do you do, where do you live, how many kids, move on to the next person” conversations. That’s pretty much inevitable when you have that many people getting together for the first time in five years. However, I also had a fair number of talks that gave me some insight into people who had a part in shaping who I became as a young kid but who I maybe never knew that well. The kind of talks that deepened (or in some cases) created the respect I have for who they have become. For whatever reason, I wasn’t having these kinds of interactions with these people at the past reunions. And there were more than a couple of classmates I barely knew at all that I wish I had gotten to known much better. I was struck by a sense of missed opportunity.
I was intrigued when the conversations turned to the anxieties and social awkwardness that everyone seemed to struggle through. And, ultimately, finding out how needless and almost entirely self-inflicted most of those struggles turned out to be. I’d like to be able to save my kids those struggles by simply talking to them about how I found out that I didn’t really need to be half as worried as I recall being in high school. Maybe talking to them about it is worth a shot. But, I suspect the anxiety of one’s teen years is simply something that has to be lived through.
There was also a level of kindness at the reunion that really impressed me. From all around. From my good friends, of course. But also from people I saw as antagonists at the time, from people I wanted to know but was too shy to approach, and from people who I simply missed in the crowd. In some sense, it felt like we were veterans of the same war, had gone into the tunnel together, and made it out the other side.
Not that the whole weekend was treacly sentiment and deep introspective conversations. There was also a fair bit of hanging with my buddies, drinking too much, eating greasy food, and generally having a blast.
See! That picture was at 3 or 4 a.m. in the Holiday Inn lobby, and we couldn’t be happier. All-in-all, a great experience.
Your comments reflect the therapeutic effect that a reunion should have on people. Adolescent narcissism is rampant during high school, but when you are in it, you don’t understand that your own narcissism clouds your ability to appreciate and empathize with others’ struggles. Age has a wonderful distancing effect. I don’t think one completely “graduates” from high school until one experiences a reunion.
Some research has looked at people who don’t attend these things. Apparently, many are weighed down with the idea that the old baggage and perceptions are really true, and don’t understand that one discovers that we all carry junk but that growing older can make you wiser so you see things differently. These people often feel that their inability to achieve stupendous results in life makes them failures, so they stay home. The guy who works in a Toyota parts department and has a kid who is struggling in school doesn’t realize that lots of people work in parts departments and have kids who are struggling and that’s O.K. But then there are the people who didn’t look like much but worked hard, and had good kids who now teaching in med schools. You gotta be open to surprises, and accept what happened to you as well as those people you knew. That’s part of being human.
This is a timely post, Dog. And Stuart’s comments are quite accurate. Not all the winners can be picked at the starting gate. Having had much success early, I feel that much has faded. But as Stuart says, suprises happen. And it is quite an accomplishment staying awake and upright at 3-4am, Congrats. Glad you enjoyed it. 25 years probably allows everyone to find a place and the maturity to look back at a the halcyon days.
On a very related topic, my father attended his 64th high school reunion yesterday. We are from a very small school and he was the only one from the class of 1950 that attended.that reunion. (It is a reunion for all those who attended that pre-consolidated school.) That is quite an achievement in itself.
And I think part of it is becoming able to recognize that there are a lot more winners than we give credit for – particularly when we’re younger. Money and degrees are fine, but they aren’t the only metric. There were a few people who were way too self-deprecating because they felt like they weren’t “successes” on account of what job the ended up having; discounting, say, that they have good marriages, are involved parents, and have turned into thoughtful people and solid citizens.
You nailed it Doug. I speaking wife my about the reunion and how things have changed. 10 year reunion was more about “keeping up with Jones” am I doing as well or better than most. Nothing of substance, just high school 10 years later. As the years have passed the Jones were struggling like all of us and the conversations have turned from the shallow to real salf of the earth conversations. How is life treating you, how are you doing, instead of what are you doing, wonder how much that person makes? So what I’m trying to say I agree totally with what you are saying. Oh and you so right about some of the beautiful people!
On the upside, some of the formerly not-so-beautiful people have really blossomed!
I also happened to catch a conversation between two of our classmates comparing notes on battling cancer. That was humbling.
Just think about your 50th! Everyone who shows up will be totally happy to be there and see anyone at all.
We should start a tontine.
Well, good motivation to show up, but not so happy to see anyone else?
I think overall the reunion went well. There were some things I might have changed but overall a good experience. People tried to make an effort to talk and/or socialize with people they didn’t know or talk to in high school. I think everyone let loose on Saturday night at Chucks and threw caution to the wind and just had FUN! There were many hugs and genuinely caring goodbyes! I thank you for pulling this together and think we should have another on in 5 years and I will help you if you’d like! The Class of ’89 Rocks and we showed Richmond, IN how we do things!
I Wasn’t there long, but I had two reasons for coming to this reunion after skipping the 20th. The first being my desire to see some of my peers that I hadn’t seen since commencement Back in 1989, & was overall pleasantly surprised to see that most had barely changed at all. The second reason, I must admit was for a totally different reason altogether. The comment about “the breakfast club” was just about spot on Doug. I was curious to see if all of the Aforementioned “groups” would still blend together? & like I had suspected it only took a bit of time for it to happen, & yet after 25 years didn’t surprise me. I must admit while we were in school I, like others were a bit envious of the “beautiful people” the cliques as it were…but after all these years the one thing that did surprise me was those classmates that failed to reach out beyond their comfort level to get to know these “outcasts”, these socially challenged peers of ours for whatever reason? We’ve grown, gotten older & wiser in the ways of the world but still these “cliques” were prominent at this reunion. Their were so many classmates that I would have enjoyed speaking to but even as a man that has grown strong & fearless of anyone or any situation, I still found myself a little intimidated to strike up any conversation! And I guess it would come down to that comfort level I spoke of before, & after I had left I chuckled a bit at myself because for a moment under that tent, I was back in school & although it was really good to see old friends, I realized that after 25 years I really hadn’t missed that much.
Were you instrumental in putting this reunion together, Doug?
This year is my 20th anniversary of graduating HS. A few classmates and I tried to organize something but it never came together. Classmates are scattered and hard to contact. What would be a decent turnout percentage-wise for a regular high school would be a paltry gathering for our class of 69 students. And I think that those who want to stay in touch do, so there’s not much incentive to travel “home” for such an event.
The first paragraph of this post is so moving to me. I was nostalgic for a reunion for the reason you mention, although I didn’t realize it when I was feeling it. And I imagine being back in the building would’ve made me feel the way your friend felt. Thank you for sharing.
A couple weeks ago we took a family trip to visit my dad, etc. While there I made a point to catch up with a teacher from junior high*, a professor from college, and several friends, some of whom were from HS (earlier, actually). It was so incredibly wonderful to see them, to share my family with them, and to think about how long we’ve all known each other. Those kinds of friends are the family that we get to choose, you know?
*She would’ve been my English teacher senior year too but she was on medical leave due to rectal cancer. We started corresponding by letter then and have kept in touch ever since. I hadn’t seen her in 10 years!
I was one of 4 or 5 who helped with the organization. My main role was communications – getting the word out. Mostly on Facebook. I guess playing the numbers game helps. I came from a really big school. We graduated about 450 and had a turnout of about 140 or so. There were a few of them that I started with in kindergarten.